Thought for the day

[orabanda]

BIRTHDAY TREAT
An older woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday
by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
$450.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. It's a
nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450 for just an
overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on
speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the
woman:

“This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
which are available for use.”

“But I didn't use them” she said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which the hotel is famous.

“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here”
the manager said.

“But I didn't go to any of those shows” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have” the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, “But I
didn't use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, with the manager unmoved, she decided
to pay; so she wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this
cheque is for $50 only”.

“That's correct. I charged you $400 for sleeping with me” she replied.

“But I didn't!” exclaimed the very surprised manager.

“Well, too bad. I was here and you could have”.


Don't mess with Seniors!

[Brian]

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greeks will pay off their Eurozone debts.

[Topdad]

I'm sending this to Greeces finance minister at the Hague    ,I'm sure its better than there proposals will be and wouldn't half wind up the German/French ministers    not to mention a certain Mr Junkers .

[orabanda]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
 
 
 
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. “It smells absolutely incredible!"
 

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
 

So, they walked past it again...

[Klaus]

A poorlooking granny with a plasticback entered the Bank of England.
At the counter the cassier ask, May l can help you?
The granny said, l will pay in  some cash, only by the manager.
Imossible, said the cassier.
Young man, we talk about half a million punds.
The cassier swallows doing some calls and a few moments later both face the manager at his office.
The manager said, yes l can do it, but plase tell me the surce of this money.
The granny said, well l earn this by beds.
The mangager looks a little confused, so the granny said, lets make a bed, the cassier will be your witness.
l say you have only one ball, if l wrong you win 250000 quits. For l'm not joking, l come with a famous lawyer as my witness tomorrow.
In the evening under the shower, the manager feel his balls and mind what a silly granny, I win.
Next day the granny and the lawyer appears at the mangers office.
For beeing sure the granny said,  I had to control if l'm wrong, so she ask for to put off his trousers. The mangager hasitate a few seconds  but he dit.
As the granny ballance the managers balls, a strage voice fills the air.
He looked up and saw the lawyer banging his head against the wall...again and again
What's about him he asked, so the granny give him a grin and said.
l have bad a million punds with him, that l held the nuts of the manager from the Bank of England in my hands, today.

[orabanda]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...



I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if
they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,  "Yaeve  goot tae be fookin' dead"



Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...